The Prodigals of Penance, the "You got me in stitches" edition

This is Act I, Scene 2  and Scene 3 of The Prodigals of Penance, rewritten for the ages. Scene 1 is here

The lyrics to "Diplomatic Creep" may be sung to the tune of "With Cat Like Tread." Why anyone would want to do that, I would not know.

Setting: The Estate of Artful Shortseller. Art is sponsoring "The World Conference to Solve All Your Problems with One Foul Swipe." Art had his moment center stage. After he departs, others arrive.

Characters:

Sadye "Sad" Poppins (former child activist, now a 18+ one)

Hamlet Omlet: The studier of studies in Shortseller's study. 

EU Leaders (in tuxes and top hats)

BBC Journalists (Pants Suits)

President Cleave

Sec. of State, Tempest Teapot (former Starlet and Yale Drama Major) 

Secretary of the Treasury, and Political Hack, Timothy "Tinny" Tinsmith

Administration Foreign Policy Advisers (Tie-dyed)

U.S. Journalists (They carry pom-poms, and file the same story)

Lawyer/Lobbyists

Scene 2: Europe Gets its Act Together.

As Artful Shortseller and "The Dancing Central Bankers" leave the stage, a sad Poppins enters. 

SAD POPPINS (spoken)

Geez. I wonder. Did Shortseller make his fortune in undergarments?

(Sings and sways) 

My name is Sadye Poppins!

But depressed I am, often.

I'm often depressed

'Cause the world is a mess.

I feel sad, I feel sad,

So-so sad -- often.

So call me sad -- sad, sad. Sad! Poppins.

  (looks)

But Hark, who approaches?

Is he a groper

Or a doper? (looks closer)

Oh, it's Hamlet Om-uh-let.

They say he's quite intellegent.

He has a cute rear...

But his expression is -- severe! (hides)

 

HAMLET OMLET (He calculates as he walks)

In Shortseller's Study,

I write my own study,

That studies...the studies of others. (He ponders)

Whose studies combined,

Bring no peace of mind...

They should be terrific.

Quite scien-tific!

 

But conclusions are often reached,

With a stretch -- sometimes a leap!

Simple arithmetic,

Could cause a science...rift! 

It's very confusing, brother.

My head's a mess, mother.

SAD POPPINS (to the audience)

If he calls me his sister,

His lip will get a blister.

HAMLET OMLET (wanders off)

Shortseller's actions, I fear,

Pour Poison in Science's ear.

Its spirit now haunts me,

Like some mental dis-ease.

The tables been set,

The eggs cracked, and yet,

The Omlets so frantically cooked,

Don't look, or taste, so good.

 

SAD POPPINS (to the audience)

Shortseller has all the bucks.

Hamlet should stay on the bus.

Ride into the dawn,

As Shortseller's fawn.

Then, what the heck,

Just cash the check. 

He's cute,

But a dispute,

Will turn ugly. 

 

HAMLET OMLET

If I fulfill my grant...as they insist...

My granters will be...mighty pissed.

The study performed

Will earn me their scorn. 

I find it very troublesome.

I fear I'm in...trouble...some...

(Hamlet Omlet wanders off) 

SAD POPPINS (spoken)

Gee. He's so depressed, I'm feeling better.

(looks in another direction, sings)

I see a new group approach.
Should I give them a pass...or a reproach?

They seem a well-dressed bunch.
Are they here...to serve us lunch?
Maybe it's food, but Maybe it's theft.
Should I call the guards, or the Chef?

(a line of people approaches from the right)

FIRST IN LINE

I shall eliminate your confusion.

I lead the European Union.

SAD POPPINS

Your union's a sight.

Are you leading a strike?

SECOND IN LINE (shoving the first)

I'm not second on the ladder!

I am also, the leader, who matters.

SAD POPPINS (warming to the cause)

For better pay! (fist shake)

More holidays!

FIRST IN LINE (to the second)

But she can plainly see

That I am in the lead.

I am, the leading -- leader!

THIRD IN LINE

We are all equals here,

Leading from the rear!

Stop the chatter!

There are...No rungs...On! Our ladder.

SECOND IN LINE

No rungs and what is more --

There's no rug upon our floor.

ALL

Or doormats at our door.

Our scoreboards don't keep score,

We live in -- one great crater!

We won't argue -- who's greater.

THIRD IN LINE

It isn't really news,

That we all lead this crew.

SECOND IN LINE

We're ho's without a pimp.

(points)

Except for him!

FOURTH IN LINE

But I'm a leader, too!

FIRST IN LINE (Pointing at four)

He's got me so confused.

Our Union's been abused!

But we can't show him the door...

So just bury him -- in the moor!

FOURTH IN LINE

That would mean war!

We are leaders all,

Unless...

 Our governments should fall.

ALL (To Sad Poppins)

Our ladder has no rungs.

That song's -- been sung.

We're now having a sale,
On everything -- that's stale.

FIRST IN LINE

And leadership is our loss leader!

FOURTH IN LINE (spoken)

We're a fellowship,

That practices follow-ship.

SAD POPPINS (spoken)

So...you're not on strike?

(Sad Poppins is quite confused and leaves while another group enters)

BBC JOURNALISTS (entering)

The Administration is on the March

From Jumbo Jets, they disembark.

It's like they've emptied Noah's ark.

VARIOUS EU LEADERS
Intelligence is what we need.
So we will hide among the trees
...listen from among the leaves.
Ah, BBC!
Watch those poisonous spiders march.
Report their wicked weaves with snark.

The BBC Journalists go to greet the Americans, chanting "Tarantulas! Tarantula, tarantula -- tarantulas!" as they go.

Scene Three: A Simulated Stimulus

As the PRESIDENTIAL ADVISERS enter they whisper amongst themselves:  "Remember, no arrogance! Those lackeys don't like it / Shush, no condescension, that's worse than arrogance! / We need a new song and dance. / Humble--but with newfound pride!"

Trumpets sound and they sing.

WITH DIPLOMATIC CREEP

PRESIDENTIAL ADVISERS

With Diplomatic Creep,

We stride History's Stage.

So shy and meek,

The World Turns, amazed.

Praise we spread in full

Without a boastful word.

We give credit to the Bull,

And the en-tire herd!

EU LEADERS

Like Mister Micawbers 
And in their Wimpy way;
 They'll borrow ten trillion dollars;
And say, "Some Tues-day, we'll re-pay."

BBC JOURNALISTS

Ta-ran-tulas, are spiders too.

And if they bite, then quickly sue.

Trumpets blare. Enter President Cleave, Sec. of State Tempest Teapot, Timothy Tinsmith, U. S. Journalistic Chorus (they double as backup singers), and the lawyer/lobbyist/activist mob.

US JOURNALISTS (pom-poms shaking)

Ra, ra, ra, ra, ra, ra...

 

PRESIDENT CLEAVE

I! Hail! Those who hail me!

Tell European Nations

Of Power abrogation!

EU LEADERS

War non-participation.

Ty-rants claim I’m a tease

As I implore “believe me, please.”

TEMPEST TEAPOT

Friends, speak of piracey,

And Risks to Navigation--

PRESIDENT CLEAVE (injects)

Have you seen my new Playstation?

BOTH (in harmony)

Mar-ry! Free Enterprise
With Socialism in disguise!

(Timothy Tinsmith carries a large bag of goodies, and croons to the lobbyists)

TIMOTHY TINSMITH 

Our national debt is huge,

It's true, 

Because we're indebted to you.
This debt we amass
'cause the past is an ass --

We owe you,
For the wonderful things you do,
And the horrible things, our nation has done.
Admitting -- is not much fun.

EU LEADERS

Much fun!

Confession is good for the soul.

So I'll say it again, quite slow.

It brings me no joy --
There's no need to be coy.
It makes me so sad...
That my nation's be-en-en-en bad.

EU LEADERS

Been so bad!

(Seems to hear an echo)

As the sins trickle down

From father to son

Our grandkids become...

The wet ones.

EU LEADERS

Grandchildren should not escape,

Their great-granddad's mistake.

TIMOTHY TINSMITH

For the mistakes our dads made,
Our grandchildren must pay.

They're in their playpens,
But The National Debt is on them.

EU LEADERS 

At our banquet, we shall toast,

After we've eaten the roast!

Those babies in their strollers,

The toddlers in their walkers...

The kids con-fined in,

Their little play-pens!

Since all our bills are for them.

TIMOTHY TINSMITH (Dances with the lawyers)

Here's your bail-out! And your stimulus money.

Do as you're told — and you’ll get more, Honey!

Your life preserver, please don’t go under.

For if you perish, you'll drown our thunder.

(To all) 

Piracy, should not be on the sea!

EVERYONE

It's an on-shored industry!

 

TIM (Throwing money to the wind; Cossack dancing)

Vary...fiscal...so-briety...

With a little Spending Spree!

EU LEADERS

Spree, Spree, Spree,

Spree, Spree,

Spree, Spree

Spree, Spre-e-e-e!

ALL ADVISERS (Shushing the crowd)

With Tim-o-thy!

We quietly deplore.

Income from Piracy

On Somalia’s shore.

And what about Kim,
Dear Leader’s Rocket Launch?
That’s why we scolded him
And told him “Lose your paunch.”

BBC JOURNALISTS:

Ta-ran-tulas! Are misunderstood.
Ta-ran-tulas! Do the world much good.
So meek-ah-ly, they point the way
That proud bow, is here to stay!

PRESIDENT CLEAVE (bowing)

As! I! approached King Saud.

I lost a contact lens

That's why I got the bends.

I! Told! Old King Saud,

“King, you better watch your step!”

EU LEADERS

Has he told Iran that yet?

PRESIDENTIAL ADVISERS/BBC JOURNALISTS

Our history is / a tarantula’s bite.

We admit that much / just ain't quite right.

We apologize / for trades in Slaves.

And to all those folks / who hide in caves.

We’re sorry for / the Atom bomb.

What Rock and Roll / has done to song.

We! Hail!
Those who hail Us...

EVERYONE

What's caused all the fuss!

 

END OF ACT ONE

US JOURNALISTS
Ra, ra, ra, ra, ra, ra...

Yes, there's more but I'll spare you (for now).

At first, I was concerned that I gave Art's private island a Private International Airport, but then I realized that playing host to so many Global Warming Conferences required one.