The Prodigals of Penance: Comic Lite-Opera Reality

 The Prodigals of Penance, loosely based on Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance, takes place during "The Conference to Solve all the World's Problems in One Foul Swipe," which is held on the Private Island of Artful Shortseller, the wealthiest man in the world.

Art is center stage. He performs. The Central Banker Dancing Contortionists accompany him, much to Art's occasional irritation. The tune is modeled on "I Am the Very Model of the Modern Major General."

ART (Starts slow, speeds up)

I am the very model of the Modern Money Manager
I deal with sums, large and small, put into precise integers.
I do well when we race along and when the world is out of gear.
And when you want to leave the market I'm already out of there.

With theorems econometric and a carefully plotted longitude

You'll find I never give a calculated loss much latitude.
A careful study of my ways will show that that's my attitude.
And while I'll never take your money, I could do it for you, too.

Central Bankers (Kick-dancing)

While he'd never take our money he could do it for us, too!
We've learned this from the careful study of his attitude!

When I find bad apples, I don't throw that fruit away!
Why waste those subprime apples if you can make them pay?
You simply take the bad ones and mix them with the good.
In this way, those "bad apples" will sell better than they should!

I move vast sums from sun to sun from nearly half a world away.
I can buy and sell and do a deal at any time during the day.
In matters econometrical, I've created hedge fund spectacles.
Future earnings "theoretical" sound like profits "piratical."

In matters econometrical, he creates hedge fund spectacles.
His profits "theoretical" sound like bounties "piratical."

(Hand-stands lead to Flip-flops)

Before the Banks went in-the-tank, I speculated in the currencies.
I took advantage of Pound flights and Ministerial in-coherencies.
I made a billion, then another, and flew across the sea.
Where I entertained the pleas...of busted brokers on their knees.

I shelter money from tax loads that might seem quite preposterous
You'd think I'd make a payment that is monstrously --

(a bit perplexed)

Monster-us?

(explaining)

But with the politicians that I legally rent

to produce the tax codes that are legally bent --
After "all" that's bought and sold

And every taxing woe:

(With exuberance)

I've piled up wealth untold!

(Pounding Kettledrums that spray green paint)

He shelters money from great -- tax -- loads.

He loans to Politicians that -- he -- knows.
After "all" he's bought and sold,
And even taxes that he's owed:
He's piled up wealth untold.

(As they bang the drums Art calms them. They got green paint in their eyes)

I dabble now in politics as an artist or gourmet,
With the use of sweets; the use of sticks, as a means to prise my way.
I fund foundations -- academic deviations -- a terrific, Scientific, Tidal Wave!
That will sweep away the old "new world" before I'm in the grave.

The voters who agree with me -- are the most perceptive.

Especially those who agree with me -- when I'm at my most deceptive.

And should you disagree with me, others employ invective.

To win arguments with ease, invective is most -- effective.

(As they mop-up the excess green paint)

He dabbles now in politics and funds many foundations.

He does good acts while acting good, to improve his reputation.
He wants a single bundle to contain every nation,
As he promotes a Scientific Tidal Wave -- an academic mutation --
Meant to make the world anew in every permutation.

(explaining to the bankers)

Cryptos sold by kleptos offer money quick,

But Cryptos sold by kleptos carry quite a risk,

When fortunes made of Cryptos

Quickly end up in the crypt.

(spoken)

But trust me, I am a realist, and reality is my game, for...

(does the soft-shoe)

I am the very Model of the Modern Money Manager.
I deal with sums, large and small, placed into distinct integers.

(picking up the pace)

I do well when we race along and when the world is out of gear.
And when you want to leave a market I'm al-ready

Out! Of! Here!

(The Orchestra suddenly goes wild as he dances off-stage with the Central Bankers.)

Scene 2 and 3 can be found here