Act II, Scene 1, of the Prodigals of Penance. Act I, Scene 1, is here.
I continue my foray into Comic Lite-Opera Reality. The work is now the attempted merger of Hamlet and Blazing Saddles (with a bit of Pinocchio thrown in), done in the spirit of Gilbert and Sullivan! Below, Sad Poppins mentions the Piltdown Man, an evolutionary "missing link" bone hoax that dragged on for 40 years. Hamlet sings of the Kinsey Report, a human sexuality study so flawed that even Wikipedia has a hard time defending it.
The story so far: The World Leaders and hangers-on have danced offstage. Hamlet Omlet and Sad Poppins are about to further their relationship. Hamlet has uncovered many flaws in the "science" funded by Artful Shortseller, the world's richest man. He senses the real purpose of his grant is to "paper over" the inadequacies he's found. Sad Poppins feels it would be best if he fulfills his role and, what the heck, just cash the check.
ACT II, SCENE 1: Poor Wandering Wonderer.
(Shrotseller's Estate: SAD POPPINS stands alone in the garden. HAMLET OMLET enters, walking in a seeming trance.)
HAMLET OMLET
They've created such a racket,I can hardly work.And my work...is hardly...worth it.
SAD POPPINS (watching him, sings)
(approaches Hamlet)Poor Wandering WondererWondering Where to Wan-der!You don't think like the rest.Your head is a mess,So full of thoughts --They drip out like snot...
You are the studier of studies.Who studies, the studies, in Shortseller's study.Your task is incomplete--
HAMLET OMLET
(steps towards her)Like rain turning to sleet.
And you're the activist child.The bold little scold,With the winning frown.
SAD
(shows herself off a bit)I thought the world would let me down.The Earth, not be around.But as I've grown
Into my own --I found it really weird!The planet, you see, is still here!
HAMLET OMLET
(thoughtfully, strolling)By eliminating the Earth,With all its dirt,We could eliminate our fears.
Or we could simply go extinct,And no longer have to think.
SAD POPPINS (following)
Poor Wandering WondererWondering Where to Wan-der.You don't think like the rest.Your head is a mess.So full of thoughtsThey drip out like snot.
HAMLET OMLET(distressed)
I simply cannot lie.It is just too hard to disguise.When I fabricate,Right out of the gate,
(indicates his groin area)
It gets hard!As the tension goes up,My ha-ha-heart thumps!
(pounds his chest)
The blood in my veinsFeels the added strain.The blood my heart pumpsFlows into my consider-able stump!
And it grows, grows, grows --Like some elongated nose,
Or an acorn into an oak.
It happens at a stroke!
It's not just unseemly, you see,But po-tential-ly!Most un-semen-ly...
(walks)
Yes, I'm stilted...By this pilted...Woody, wood-pecker.
SAD POPPINS (injects)
Like Pinocchio in a pinch.
Or, the Pilt-down Man!
A "find" that was a Scientific Scam --
With the wrong bone
In the wrong place:
A most potent -- disgrace.
HAMLET OMLET
Lying's not a sport,Like some Kinsey Report.Whenever I lie,
(indicates his groin, distressed)
It gets hard against my fly!I can't lie, I can't lie, I can't lie.
(walks)
SAD POPPINS
Oh, Poor Wandering Wonderer,Woody in a wood of lies!I am sorry for you!'Cause your own sorrow won't do.You don't think like the rest.Your head's such a mess.So full of thoughts,They drip out like snot!
(thinks, taps his shoulder)
If only you were a woman.The problem with your woodWould disappear!If only you could,Eliminate the wood!
HAMLET OMLET
That sounds fantastic,but just...a little...drastic.
SAD POPPINS (agrees)
Sub-optimal, yes,But if you just wore a dress...You could easily skirt the truth.Or turn your back,On in-convenient facts.But still...
HAMLET OMLET
I'll wear a kilt!I could present an address...In a kilt, not a dress.I could turn my back,As I speak with great tact,Over...my...shoulder?
SAD POPPINS
(Takes his hand)Here's an act -- that's bolder.
Simply lie with me!If you lie with me,Your lies will be disguised, by me!You simply pretendWe're in love, without end!
In Love with a fire,
Of burning -- lustful desire.
And:
No one will be the wiser.
We could lie, lie, lie, together.
No one would know any better.
HAMLET OMLET(confused)
In truth, I am getting woody.I should return to my studies.I could be me-too'edBecause I am woody for you...I really can't lie...As I look into your -- lovely, eyes...
(turns)
But I fear my career --Could dissolve in your tears.
(walks away)
SAD POPPINS (follows him)
Poor wandering woody one!What wonderous lies lie ahead!Don't fear for your career.
You'll be a believable steer,
If you lie, lie, lie -- with me.
(Sounds from off stages)
DANCING BANKERS
Hrumph, Hrumph -- Hrumph, Hrumph, Hrumph.
SAD POPPINS
You cannot stay.Artful ShortsellerIs on his way.We'll meet after dark.
HAMLET OMLET
And wonderful liesWe can con-cock!Con-con, concoct.
(As Hamlet Omlet leaves, Artful Shortseller enters).
ART SHORTSELLER (to the audience)
He's such a poor liar.He needs to retire.My estate is builtOn a house of cards.One jilt from that joker...
And...
Oh, forsooth and forsaken!My empire shaken!
Imagine, a jerk like that,Bringing about my total collapse!
I suppose he would say,
He means well, OK.
Well, I have a "mean well"
For him.
(maniacal laugh, steps to the side for...)
DANCING BANKERS (Marching on stage)
Hrumph, Hrumph -- Hrumph, Hrumph, Hrumph.
ART
Now the Bankers want their say.They mean well, too,
It should be a tattoo.
Let them implore.I'll ignore.
ACT II SCENE 2
(The Central Banker leads The Dancing Bankers on stage. They are dressed for the Beach. The Central Banker gets a little rough treatment from the others. He's shoved to center stage.)
CENTRAL BANKER (addresses the audience)
This is The World Conference...
That will Solve...Your Problems...
In One Foul Swipe.
(speaks clearly)
You see, all your problems are ours;All our problems are yours.
And you are our problem.
(Indicates the surroundings)
We're at the homeOf the World's Richest man.Artful Shortseller's estate, Eden!
DANCING BANKERS (An echoing murmur)
Eden, Eden, Eden...
CENTRAL BANKER
It's his own state!
An island all its own.An island that he owns. Eden.
DANCING BANKERS
Eden, Eden, Eden...
CENTRAL BANKER
I'm the Central Banker,(indicates the others)
I don't get many thanks
When the other banks
Need a spank:
That Great Current of Currency,
Upon which they depend --
Is Currently Curtailed!
If not totally at an end.
It flowed through their vaults
And its lack, now felt, is my fault
(The band picks up with a thumping, almost pounding, beat. The Dancing Bankers surround the Central Banker. They sing to the tune of Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band)
World Class Dancing, Banker Band
THE DANCING BANKERS (To the central banker, with loud reproach)
It was a hundred years ago!When you really did steal the show!People's money was never the same,As you played your curren-cy game.
When interest rates you amendTo bring easy money to an end...
After we've done so much good,By gutting their neighborhoods!We're the World Class Dancing, Banker Band!
CENTRAL BANKER (to the audience)
Their Animal Spirits were on a lark,But the funny-money, once in "drive,"Is now in "park."
THE DANCING BANKERS (Explaining)
We're good citizens of the World!With finances in a swirl.Speculators cause much pain,As their loans go down the drain.So now we're il-liquid.Lacking the reserves, we should...
(to the central banker)
So we want you to understand,We'd like you to give a hand...To the Empty Pockets, Bankster, Bah-an-d!
CENTRAL BANKER
They want to restart the game.With me providing the gains...a-gain.
The losses we'll spread about,
Like lots of vacant shops.
(The Dancing Bankers push the Central Banker out of the way.)
CENTRAL BANKER
Don't Panic at the Picnic!
(The orchestra is back to horn tooting)
DANCING BANKERS (Pace quickens, to the Audience, upset)
With those problems, you're on your own!So kindly get off the phone!We're awfully short of cash!We're bankers who've lost their stash!Our institution's got the runs!It's playing havoc with the sums!...um...um...um-m-m.
(A female banker sweetly changes the tune)
You're such love-ly depositors --You really are our kind --You're such love-ly depositors,Sit back and watch your fortune grow!Sit back and watch it grow!
(The rest return to firm declarations)
Your bankruptcy's on us!But our Bankruptcy's on you!We're whales too big to fail!So you have to cover our tail!
You're such lovely homeowners,With mortgages to fill.
We'd like to take your homes with us.We'd love to take your homes!
(The rest)
Yes, we'd rather issue demandsBut really do need a hand!So we'll issue our appeal,To the man who really steals...The show, when you have to show!The assets that cover your ass!We've come to find him here!Our savior of the year --
(slowly, with begging hands)
Art...ful...Short...sell-er...
(They trail off...as the orchestra changes tempo to blues/jazz, with snare drums. The Central Banker moves to center stage. He puts his sunglasses on and snaps his fingers. Sings to the tune of Mack the Knife.)
The Shortseller Song
CENTRAL BANKER (His best Bobby Darin Blues)
Oh, Financial sharks,Prowl the seas, babes.And they'll feed in --Market waves.They have such teeth -- dear!If you could see them!They're ru-by, ruby-red.
When red ink's spilledBy Cor-po-rate shills--
My-little-darlings don't-you-know!So much gore is,On the market floor.But on Shortseller, there's not the stink, babeOf all...your -- all your red ink!
Your pension fund --So you think, dears --Bought juicy steaks,With your stake!Till Artful wields his -- skillful scalpel.Leaving bare bones, upon your plate.
(Art enters and marches to center stage. Exudes calm as the Central Banker slinks off)
DANCING BANKERS
Artful, Artful, Artful...
The Mean Well Song
ART (he brings the tempo down)
There's no reason for alarm.Every reason, to be calm.We're in the eye of every storm,And here, calm is the norm.
Your problem is but a pimple.The solution is -- quite simple!
(Sways as he sings)
Just mean well, if you mean well,
Then everything will seem well!
If you mean well, then you'll be well,
No one will be mean to you!
If you mean well in all that you do.
They'll never blame you--
When they've been royally screwed...
If you're mean, mean, mean,
You want to be seen as -- well meaning.
DANCING BANKERS (With relief)
They can't attack good intentions.Even when these intentions are...
An...invention.
(swaying while figuring it out)
If it seems...well,Like we mean well,Then the middling mean...that's sits inbetween,The well-off...and the off-well...Will think that we're just swell.
(as they dance off-stage)
When we're mean-mean-mean,No matter how mean we may seem...If we're all called well-meaning,
Well meaning is how we'll be seeming!
ART (calls after them)
Mean-well in all your deeds!
(laughs, to the audience)
For the mean-wellIs a deep well, indeed!
(laughs maniacally)
END OF SCENE
