CERN: Crush Earth Right Now

Gaea has her high priests (and priestesses) at work building a mighty temple to her wondrous nature at a secret location somewhere in Europe! And there they will work their dark arts. And I mean really dark arts. Like in "no light or life escapes" dark arts.

You see, man has so poisoned and polluted the planet that Gaea has decided to send earth to the crusher and She is having here holy men (and women) build her temple at the power point of her creation, the place all call CERN. Here's some reassuring words from Astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson:

There’s this worry that at CERN, they’re going to turn on the accelerator and create states of matter as never before – which is true – at higher energies than ever before – which is true – and possibly produce micro black holes. What happens if one does not evaporate, but just sort of hangs around? Whatever it touches, it eats, then it gets more massive. The more massive it gets, the less likely it will be to evaporate, because they evaporate quickly only when they’re small. This worry that it will create a runaway black hole that will eat the Earth is what some people have been concerned about.

Silly some people. What are the chances of the Earth gettin' ate, burp.

You see, CERN actually stands for Crush the Earth into a Round bit o' Nothing. The end state has all of the planet's heaviness and all of its gravity rolled into a single point. But there is no matter so the point is kind of pointless -- you know, the way life can sometimes seem when you don't get that fellowship. This point is so small it would fit in the vest pocket of an hydrogen atom -- and eat the hydrogen atom.

Now, are we going to let a bunch of self-loathing European intellectuals make this call? For them, Earth has gone from Planet Hollywood to Planet Ennui. Talk about "Earth in the balance." On one side total planetary annihilation weighed against 2,000 tenured positions and a chance at a dozen Noble prizes -- the things that make life worth the bullshit. I'm telling you, folks, the "little blue marble" is just going to have to take it chances with the rest of us.

Plus, the Eurosmart set look at man as a total pest. And woman ain't much better. Remember, we are about to escape the gravity well of earth. So if something ain't done fast, the human rash will spread across the Universe. A rapid transubstantiation of the planet into a single pointless point may be the answer they are looking for. This will take care of the chimp problem, too. Let's face it, they ain't any better than humans and are, all and all, a disappointment.

It's interesting how uncontroversial this all is. Somewhere in the universe a planet is destroyed every day. But an oil well off the coast? That might dirty a duck and affect property values. But what about total annihilation? Do you think you will own a little bit of the singularity?

Where are all the people who want to save the Pandas? OK, maybe you don't care about China getting devoured by a black hole. But what about the Pandas? And when the oceans are sucked in, what about the whales? How are you going to Free Willie from a black hole?

And it doesn't have to be this way. We can build this thing in outer space. It will weigh five pounds and collide sun beams with moonbeams -- but in proper proportion. It can be done.

We sure need to do something. Start a movement. I'm willing to sell the T-shirts and bumper stickers if you are willing to buy them. This is an Orca. This is an Orca being devoured by a black hole. Here is a puppy. Here is a puppy being devoured by a black hole. Rid the Grid of CERN!