More Lite than Light!

During the first Obama/Biden administration I decided light opera was the best format for commentary. With music and song, it would float above the mess the way those mountains in Avatar float above planet Pandora. So this Opera will not just be light, it’ll be anti-gravity: No matter how grave the situation, it will be anti-the-gravity of the situation.

The Opera is set on the island estate of the multi-billionaire Artful Shortseller. Art hosts “The International Conference to Solve All the World's Problems with One Foul Swipe.” What is the foul swipe, you ask? Sorry, you are not supposed to ask and I'm not allowed to answer.

It starts with a big production number. The new President's team marches through the gates like parading Olympic athletes planning to disrespect the flag. As they enter they sing:

The DC Press Corps and Officials

With Diplomatic Creep,
We cross History’s Stage.
Both shy and meek
As The World Turns, amazed.

Praise we spread in full,
Without a boastful word,
We give credit to our Bull,
Not just the nagging herd!

President Biden

(Wanders about as he mumbles):

Salute the Marines, Mr. Jill Biden. Salute. What.

(Bumps into the scenery; Consults his mePad; begins to sing.)

Like a mentally stable-man
World leaders, I’ll approach.
One I’ll treat like a door-man,
as I deliver my reproach.
But them that Trump has cowed,
I’ll look squarely in the knees!
As I offer a gracious bow,
And sincere apollo-gee.

Hail, hell! What do I do next? 

(Checks pad) 

"Tell European Nations
Of Power abrogations!"
But Poo-tin calls me a tease.
So I’ll implore “believe me, please!”

I call this number, “History Brought to Boil by a Cracked Pot.”

At the center of Art’s estate is “The Mean-Well.” This is a deep well, as well as a mean well. For some mysterious reason, well-meaning people (mostly voters) get sucked in, fall past the mean, and even plunge below average, which drags down the average, causing the mean to become even meaner. These folks don't mean to be mean, they mean to be equitable. What is the powerful attractive force of the Mean-Well? Could it be the mean-welling of the Mean-Well?

Actually, the attractive force is the fabled Lost Thirteenth Law of an Admired Marxist (choose one). This lost law is forty thousand pages of progressive legislation that, if adopted in its entirety, will yield the forty million pages of regulation that will, in the end, make all this stuff work. The Thirteenth Law was typed before white-out, back when progressives didn’t make mistakes. However, it has been rewritten by AIs (Artificial Intellectuals) using out-white (and there’s a lot of that in it).

Thank dog this is a work of fiction.

The Opera needs a love story but not to worry: with so many malignant narcissists involved, it has lots of love stories.

Invention Prevention

When I was a boy watching WWII submarine dramas, I came up with the idea for a submarine that pushed itself forward by taking in water at the front and pumping it from the rear. In a stroke of genius, I decided to use the water coming in the front of the sub to turn the turbines that would power the pumps that pushed the water out the back. Sure, it would need a bit of a push to get going, but after that you're good.

I got really excited about the idea because I thought it might have applications in the cold war. I told my father so he could maybe call President Eisenhower. My dad said I had just invented a “perpetual motion” machine. Upon hearing this I swelled with pride. I said, "Gosh, golly, gee! I have barely achieved the age of reason and already I've invented a perpetual motion machine! How awesome is that! I'm like the Mozart – whoever that is – of Machine Inventors."

Then my father explained the scientific consensus of the day (thank god that’s changed). There I was, not yet a youth, and I came face to face with my own logical fallacy -- not someone else's, mind you (this happens quite a lot) but my own. Back then we didn't protect our children from such events.

The fact that physics could interfere with a rich fantasy life kinda turned me off on that whole course of study (I should have gone into central banking, where making something from nothing is central to the entire process).

Plan "B" from outer space

 Salvation is a TV series on Amazon Prime. The first season is free.  I'm watching because it's not that good, so when they start charging I'll stop watching. It's kinda like when you are beating your head against the wall, and someone says if you keep doing that you are going to have to pay for the damage, so you stop. 

Here's the plot summary. The earth's in trouble. Again. An asteroid will destroy the planet in six months unless humanity destroys it (Planet Earth) first. Granted, that's a tight time frame for man-caused planetary destruction (it's OK to use "man" in this context) but doable. So the asteroid is actually "plan B from Outerspace."

It's the size of Washington DC and will impact Washington, DC, which sounds good until you see the simulation: the entire surface of the planet turns into molten lava! OMG, not even a dinosaur could survive that! There's always hope, though.

Hope, in this case, is a deep space probe out by Jupiter that can be redirected to crash into the asteroid. This is like a bullet hitting a bullet, with one bullet being the approximate size of an empty tin can and the other being the approximate size of a fully ladened supertanker. But, if you take into consideration their high speeds and something called "inertial mass," which has something to do with something called physics, then the Asteroid breaks apart and the resulting impact no longer destroys the entire planet or kills all 12 billion of us (and our pets). Instead, the pieces miss Washington D.C. and hit Beijing and Moscow, killing 1.1 billion of those people (and their pets). When this possible outcome is described at a Pentagon meeting, everyone goes hmm at the same time. They decide on this collision course. Unfortunately, there are many collision courses! 

President Biden is totally out of the loop and uninvolved, as you might expect.  They could have had Martin Sheen play him (he's old enough) if only there were a believable plot device like his getting briefed. His absence is explained in episode six when he's referred to as a "she." Apparently,  he begins self-identifying as a woman because that description is easier to believe than honest, moderate, and competent. Also, he can now freely sniff women's hair because a woman can do that to another woman, can't she?

During this period of Presidential transition,  government agents and billionaires do what they want with government resources. This is quite realistic but they should call it "infrastructure spending." Also, the deep state is deeply sinister. That's the sort of portrayal that annoyed me ten years ago, but these days, not-so-much (thank you, James Clapper and John Brennan).

Safety Quest

 Oh, hell. I don't feel like explaining this.

 Quest Carefully

Often when on a Quest
You'll create an unholy mess
And cause great distress to others:
Such as horses, goats and your mother.
So it is best,
Outside the nest,
To Quest -- carefully.

When you see a dragon at the break of day,
Run away.
Run away.
Do not believe what the soothsayers say.
Require proof
From the sooth.
If an old man on a bridge offers his advice,
Treat him nice.
Treat him nice.

Quest Carefully.

Use care as you stare
At Buxom, bawdy, barmaids.
Do not imbibe the potions you get
From cute redheads, and brunettes.
Blonds, too,
If it's true,
They've had more fun --
Meaning more flings flung.
And when climbing a ladder
To rescue her from "what's the matter?"
Don't stand on the top rung.

Quest Carefully.

As you pursue your Quest
Never rest, never rest --
Recklessly.
Do not be reckless in your rest!

Sleep with care.

Beware! The woods have bears
And the forest is where
The wolves have their lairs.
And never eat meat
unless it's been cooked to an internal temperature
Of 160 degrees Fahrenheit and you should immediately refrigerate --
Yes, refrigerate!
The unused portions.
This is also the case
When you reheat -- and eat --
the meat you think safe.
Why not be a Vegan?

Quest Carefully. Quest Carefully.
And as you quest, never rest -- recklessly.

I left some hair colors out (space considerations).

Slap them with a Tax

I wrote some lyrics! They are lyrical! They can be sung to the tune of every Radiohead song I’ve ever heard (I haven’t heard them all).

 Big G and the D.C.’s

When I see you eating Big Macs,
With your happy-meal deal kids
I feel your weight upon my shoulders.
I want to…
Slap, slap, slap.

I see you in your big car,
On a commute that is too far;
I feel my temperature rising.
I want to…
Slap, slap, slap.

At the movies when you eat popcorn
So full of salt and fat
I feel forlorn.
and want to…
Slap, slap, slap.

Slap, slap, slap!
Slap them with a tax!
Slap. Slap!
Slap them with a tax!

I don’t want to be your lover,
I just want to control
what’s in your cupboard.

Slap, slap!
Slap them with a tax!

I don’t want to be your doctor
I just want to decide
What's proper.

Slap, slap!
Slap them with a tax!

I don’t want to be your banker,
Just the confiscator of your
Stash, stash, stash!
I don’t want to be your savior,
Just your reg-you-lay-tor, 

Until you meet your Undertaker.

Now, no more lip as I count the bullets in your clips.
Peace.

 15 Steps then a Shear Drop!

It's Powerful Stuff

Some years ago I started doing commentary on current events through the use of musical comedy. Unfortunately, it led to uncontrolled weeping so I stopped. Still, I like putting my thoughts in song (yes, song!), and here is my latest attempt. Think Punk Rock. Starts sweet, ends loud.

Clerk Power

I know you think I'm heaven sent

The greatest hope your world presents.

Your situation's critical

But to me you're typical.

Bad vibrations,

In creation.

Alienation

fills the nation.

Check the box, don't pout!

Just fill -- your forms out.

We must know you. Or we'll no you.
Yes, we know you. And will no you.
Don't break the mold. It fits you.
That moldy mold? Is for you.
Clerk Power. Clerk Power.

I got you feeling desperate

The needs you have are barely met.

But leave no blanks upon the form,

Always behave within the norm.

I'll estrange you.

Rearrange you.

Bad vibrations

Fill creation.

Alienation,

throughout the nation.

I will serve you,

On a platter.

Does it matter? Do you matter?

Clerk Power! Clerk Power!

Clerk Power! Clerk Power!

I know you think I'm heaven sent

The greatest chance your world presents.

But before solutions are devised
All interviews must be reprized.

I'll estrange you!

Rearrange you!

Take your measure?

At my pleasure!

Fill the forms out.

Does it fit now?

Have a cow, now?

Don't act crazy!

Take a nap now.

Don't be lazy!

Or outrageous

It's contagious!

Here to serve you,

On a platter.

Does it matter? Does it matter?
Don't you matter? Do you matter?

Clerk Power! Clerk Power! Clerk Power!

Whew. I was shouting a bit much at the end there. Calm. Down. When did the slogan All Power to the People become All Power to the Clerks?  When the people shouting "All Power to the People" became clerks.

With apologies to Kurt Cobain.

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