I thought the girl working the fields under the pinkish light reflecting off the huge planet was both cool and, at the same time, kinda hot. Then I wondered if her moon was tidally locked to that huge planet like our moon is to Earth and if that huge planet blocked the sun for half of the moon's orbit. Then I stopped thinking, which helped.
The girl lives with a bunch of Viking farmers who are pining for the fjords. She is with them but not of them. A Nazi guy shows up in a big, planet-killing ship and gives the Vikings what for. It seems the Vikings have turned Amish and stubbornly refuse to buy mechanical harvesters that will ruin their close-to-god lifestyle but produce more food for their conquerors.
I'm confused about the Nazis because the soldiers left behind are Australian. One of them says, "Throw another steak on the barbie, mate, while I rape the kind-hearted hot blondie carrying the water bucket." I think the blond girl they try to rape is that same special, life-affirming princess so often discussed. I say this because the female fieldhand-ninja that came to her rescue was the bodyguard of the Princess before that terrible thing that happened...happened. So wouldn't they both crash in that same spaceship? Oh, right, apparently there was a crashed spaceship. Questions remain: Was Anthony Hopkins voicing the pacifist robot who's in deep-like with the blond girl? Was that child-stealing spider-lady actually a misunderstood person or an understood giant spider?
One thing I like about this universe is that the neighboring planets are so close you can walk between them. OK, they do find a charming smuggler with a spaceship to eliminate some of the hiking. The plot is "The Magnificent Seven Space Samurai" meet "The Empire as it Strikes Back." The guy playing the gruff "Charles Bronson" part is a griffin whisperer, so he has a bit of the suave Robert Redford in him.
Robert Redford played the horse whisperer in The Horse Whisperer. He helped a lame Scarlett Johansen's horse. Scarlett's character really was lame -- though not a lesbian, near as I could tell. The horse wasn't doing too good, either. Scarlett and her horse got hit by a truck. I was dragged off to see this movie and I thought it was "The Hoarse Whisperer," which made sense because if you are hoarse, you are going to whisper. So at the beginning, I'd ask, "Who's hoarse?" And she'd say, "It's the girl's horse." And I'd say, "Sure, but who's hoarse!" and she'd say, "Stop it!"
Where was I? Right. I thought the griffin should have flown upside down to ditch the whisperer, done in slo-mo, of course. The movie needs mo' slo-mo. And mo'cowbell in the musical score.
I did enjoy the climactic but ridiculous fight scene on the "floating drydock" above the clouds. The female fieldhand-ninja gets to meet, and temporarily defeat, her Nazi Nemesis -- who must have tucked and rolled after that long, hard fall.
I got a bit of a quibble. Earlier in the show, when she was at the campfire with the Viking Amish Farmer fella, she could explain that she was graciously adopted by a powerful evil commander after he made her an orphan. He did painful experiments on her. You always hurt the one you love was his favorite saying. She could tell the Amish Viking, "Small as I seem, I'm not just much stronger and meaner than you -- I weigh a lot more."
Then he looks at her quizzically and she explains, "I'm dense. I'm 87.6 percent Unobtainium, which is why I'm so light on my feet and yet rugged. Try to break my arm. Oh, go ahead, try to break it. You can't. Even my wounds heal quickly on account of all those tiny blood-bots that repair everything. Sometimes those blood-bots take over and make me do terrible things -- but not so much lately!"
Then she'd stare off into the distance and we'd cut to the flashback, "We found the Unobtainium on a lovely, lush planet where we met these beautiful and charming blue people and killed them. My evil stepdad established mines there which operate in harsh conditions but do provide employment for millions of slaves. My stepdad says it's the last job they'll ever need. He's funny, sometimes, and loves animals and prepubescent boys. I have enough highly refined Unobtainium in me to power the entire imperial fleet for five years -- that's why I'm a much sought-after commodity. Melt me -- which won't be easy cause I don't want to be melted -- and I'm high-grade fuel. Yeah, I'm denser than normal but also a wonderful dancer. Wanna dance? No? I'm good on the farm, too. I don't need no thick-headed stallion to pull that plow. I'll do it myself."
In this way, she could explain her immense Physical Prowess, and how she keeps beating up all those guys.
There is a rumored Part Two. Am I right about that Extra-Special Life-affirming Princess being the water-carrying farm girl? Are the Amish Viking Villagers actually the Seven Dwarves? Stay-tunned.
No comments:
Post a Comment